Acceptance

Well, this is going to be a lot. But I need to write it down. So feel free to not read it. I write most of this stuff for me, anyways. So I won't be offended.
Today is day 29 of my cycle, the day of the home pregnancy test. And you can bet it came back negative. Which is totally what I expected and that was fine. But I never heard from the nurse about my second round of blood work from last week, so I called to find out. She said it was good and higher than my first round, which was good. She asked about my result of the HPT and I told her. She then proceeded to tell me that she knew my hopes were that I might still be pregnant, but she wanted to assure me that I am not and that my period should start in the next 72 hours. Apparently because of the HcG shot I had, my cycles are going to shorten a bit. Who knows? As far as that goes, we will have to wait and see. Last month I went to day 36. So I doubt it will be too much shorter than that. But only time will tell.
Anyway, then we started discussing "next month," a term I am growing to hate. And I come to find out that AI, which is our next option, is really twice the price they told us in the beginning. So really, they haven't been that honest with us from the get go. Which is super frustrating. Needless to say, at this point, I was just in tears on the phone with the nurse. There is no way we can afford to do AI next month or any time in the foreseeable future. We just have too much other stuff going on. We have medical bills, Hunter's schooling, we are trying to save to move out on our own for next Fall, not to mention a life, and a 2 year old that grows like clothes are free. So there is just no way. I didn't tell the nurse this, but I figure I won't until my period starts. I am just having a hard time paying so much money for something that "might" work. Yes, AI increases our chances quite a bit from trying at home, but it just seems like too big of a risk to pay for right now.
So I called and got us on the adoption orientation list again for this month's meeting. It is Thursday. Granted, adoption is more expensive than AI, but we are just going to learn more, at this point. I am hoping that it will at least help. Knowledge is power, right?
So, some how, I am just going to have to start accepting that I can't add to my little family. Not right now, at least, and maybe not ever. It is just a reality for me and I need to start coping with that. Needless to say, I have cried a lot, on and off, today. My heart is definitely broken over. It is something I never wanted to have to deal with and it is becoming more and more of a reality for me everyday.
So what now? Next month, we will probably do nothing. I will go off all my meds, except the Metformin, and just move on with life. It is going to be a long road, but I don't see any other choice. There is no point wasting time, energy, and money to try to fix something that I don't have control over. And I clearly don't have control over this.