I am going to complain. Just a warning.
Looks like I will be starting yet another wonderful month of Clomid. It is pretty frustrating to not be able to control my own body. And to not have any say about the future expansion of my family. Today was day 33 of my cycle and I thought FOR SURE this would be our lucky month. But sure enough, I was wrong. And the tears were just uncontrollable. I felt awful, because Keelia came in while I was crying and I tried my best to tell her I was okay, but tears say something different. She comforted her mama and that did a great deal of healing. But I am just getting to the point where I feel like this is too hard, too much for me to handle. And I want to be one of those people that say they can be happy with just one kid, but I can't. I am not one of those people. And I will not lie by trying to convince myself of that. I was born to have and raise a big family. I just know it, deep down.
And I swear, every time I get on Facebook, there is someone else I know announcing their newest edition. And don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for them. But it is enough to make someone shut off contact from the entire outside world. And I am close. So don't be surprised if I just disappear from blog-land for a while. I just feel like becoming a hermit and dwelling in my self-pity.
I just don't know what else I can do. I am feeling very discouraged and hopeless.
9 years ago
5 comments:
I am so sorry. I read your blog and never know what to say. But know I think of you and how you must be feeling. All I can say for sure is that the Lord will see you through, whatever the outcome. Even if you don't blog publicly, do continue writing down your feelings. Oh, I just want to cry with you.
You are a terrific aunt to a big family. We love you Kate and we hope that you'll be able to have the big family you long for.
I'm sitting here wondering what to say, and nothing inspiring is coming to me.
I am sorry that your having such a struggle. It is amazing how I know you really only through blogging mostly, but I just want to take your pain away. I think that is a mothers way. I wish I were there to take you out for a good movie and yummy dinner.. If you ever just want to vent or cry or whatever on the phone, know that I am only a call away!
Your an amazing person Katie!
Oh Katie, I am so sorry to hear about this trial that you are going through! This last year our little family has experienced trial after trial and I have REALLY started to get frustrated, discouraged, and I find myself asking "WHY" often. There have been so many blessings that have come from our trials though, I have truly learned that we just need to trust in the Lords timing. I think that is such a hard thing to do because when we are making the right choices and living the way we should it doesn't seem fair that we still have to wait for the blessings to come. But sometimes it isn't until after the trial of our Faith that the Lord grants us our blessings. You are such a good mom, and you are only wanting things that would please Heavenly Father and I truly believe that he will bless you and help you to get through all of this, he has a 'plan' for you and when the time is right you will know what that is:)
You are in my prayers!
Love,
Brittany Waterlyn-Jones
Hey Kate. I was totally sad reading your post because I definitely know how you feel. I tried for a year and a half just to get pregnant with my little girl and I cried every month during that time. I'm totally scared about how it's going to go with baby number 2. It's rough when everyone else seems to be baby-making machines and you feel dysfunctional and like a failure. Let me know if you ever need to chat or vent or whatever.
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