Getting Old...

Well, this morning I started month seven of Clomid. I think, all around, we are starting to lose hope. My doctor's nurse even sounded less hopeful on the phone on Wednesday when I talked to her. And she assured me that this would be last month on Clomid before the doctor wanted to see me again and "discuss the next step." Which is just her way of telling me that I had better just gear up, emotionally and physically, to see an infertility specialist, if this month isn't our lucky month. And, man oh man, am I praying that this month will be our lucky month.
Not that I don't want to see a specialist. I am sure they are great. And it is a little less bothersome to me because today I called my insurance and found out that they will cover up to three visits to a specialist to reach a diagnosis. (And with my doctor, we never reached a diagnosis, more a conclusion that I just can't get pregnant.) And as long as there isn't anything too extensive, they cover 100% of those visits. So at least the money side of the specialist won't kick in right at first. And maybe it will be nothing. And of course I always have the option of not going to see a specialist and just waiting around, hoping to get pregnant. It will probably be a game time decision. Depending on how this month goes, I guess.
And some days I do better about distracting myself and not letting this consume my every thought (dramatic enough?). But on days when I start a new treatment (like today), I want to document it. Plus, it is late at night and Keelia is in bed, so what else do I have to do besides sit and think about life? And really, that is all I can do. Is think about it. I can't do anything to change it or make it what I want it to be. It just is what it is. And crying about it really doesn't help, so I try not to do that very often. And getting mad (even though it might make me feel better briefly) doesn't really help, as Hunter continues to remind me. So I left with nothing but my thoughts.
And I am sorry that you check my blog to find yet another post written about this. But in my idle time, this is where my brain tends to wander. And I know there is really nothing anyone can say or do to fix it or make it better, so don't feel bad if you don't know what to say or whatever. Like I said, it just is what it is.
I think I will go distract myself with some FRIENDS. Yeah, that sounds good.

**On a side note, today the oldest nephew on my side of the family turned 12! I can barely stand it. Happy Birthday, buddy! We love you!